Second Thoughts #11: Being in Your Thirties
Modern Thirty vs. Old Thirty
Entering your thirties is a big milestone.
You’re not old, but you’re not that young anymore either.
The mistakes and shenanigans you get into in your twenties aren’t as acceptable…the choices you make carry a bit more weight.
Casual promiscuity looks a little sad, hangovers are now delivered by satan straight from the gates of hell, and 16 bed dorm rooms are firmly off the table.
You start to have more of a grasp on who you are and how you want to spend your time.
Little things you thought were important no longer take up even the tiniest space in your mind.
It’s one of the true pleasures of reaching this part of your life.
I turned 31 over the weekend and it couldn’t have been better.
Spent the day with the people closest to me, had some gut wrenching laughs, and some great conversations.
But once the day came and went, I had some time to reflect and really soak in how the last year went.
Not just the events of the year, but the feeling that comes with seeing 30 in the rear view mirror.
Most of the thoughts, reflections, and analysis of that time revolved around a couple key themes.
And I think a lot of people living in this decade of their life, or those approaching it, have probably thought about them in this similar light as well.
Because it’s an interesting time.
Interesting in the sense that it looks NOTHING like how it did for the generations prior.
To have your reality look nothing like what the adults in your life did, is a little bit of a mind bender.
I know we are growing up in the technology/information age where the trajectory and timeline of key areas of life are drastically different than 30-50 years ago, but it's still a daily/weekly practice to not let the mind wander into comparison land.
Old Milestones
By the time our parents were thirty, most of them had locked in the core pillars: married, kids, house, job for the next 30 years.
They had a simple blueprint with not as many choices as we do now.
(And I’m not gonna lie…at times I find myself envying the simplicity and limitations of their options).
Today, these pillars seem much more complex now.
Marriage seems to be happening much later, with the whole process from bachelor party to honeymoon being documented for social media.
More and more people are choosing a life without kids, opting for a lifestyle of freedom.
Buying a house in this market is a gongshow, and modern careers consist of youtube vloggers, video game streamers, and OF models.
Everything’s more chaotic.
And I’d say that most of the time, I like that things have changed.
That we aren’t locked into one model of adulthood and that there are countless blueprints you can use to create a life that you want.
We can explore the world with an unprecedented amount of ease.
We can build businesses using nothing but the phone in our pockets.
And scientific advancements have innovated so that having children safely can happen later and later in life.
We are living in a pretty remarkable time.
But it can still feel like mental ju-jitsu between logic and comparison.
On one hand, you understand the world’s changed and you’re on your own timeline, but on the other you can’t help but compare your life to your parents’ version of adulthood.
In reality, I’m sure that I’m simplifying the mental construction of our parents and that they had some similar reservations about their future as well.
They didn’t have it all figured out. In fact, they were MUCH more at the mercy of their current circumstance with not nearly as much opportunity to redefine themselves as we do.
But we also have something they didn’t which is a much larger pool for comparison.
The people in our own close circles, social media, it’s everywhere.
And it’s this exposure to the other sources of comparison that contribute to the uncertainty of our own lives.
That you should be further ahead…but that’s the trap.
And it’s why I think it’s more important than ever to actively redefine what success, stability, and adulthood actually look like.
To unlearn the processes and narratives we grew up inheriting from a different world.
To really focus on reframing and redefining the mental blockades we are putting up for ourselves.
Reframing
“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”
— Buddhists, apparently.
I think this quote is a good reminder for us to do our best to be more in a relaxed state, and trust that our truest selves and the life we want to live will develop as it should.
That’s not to say there aren’t actions we can take to give ourselves the best shot.
But removing some of that tension and the constant pressure we put on ourselves is a great place to start.
I was listening to a podcast with Naval Ravikant the morning before writing this, and he had some great insight.
I HIGHLY recommend reading or listening to anything he’s done. He’s one of those guys who just seems to understand how to get from point A to point B.
He talks about a couple of practical ideas for clearing your mind, becoming more content, and giving yourself the best shot at real happiness in this day and age.
None of them were revolutionary but they require consistency.
Reduce Social Media Consumption. This is probably the most basic bitch answer, but take inventory of what you consume. If someone’s life makes you feel perpetually behind, stop watching it.
Read and get curious again. Read about topics that fascinate you, ESPECIALLY if they’re completely unrelated to your job. Curiosity is one of the best ways to feel like how we did when we were kids.
Find time to be creative. Whether it’s writing, playing music, building an app, or cooking something new, carving out space to make something without a goal is a great exercise for your brain and overall mental health.
Invest in relationships. Give yourself the chance to fall in love or deepen the love you already have, but be careful who you let yourself do that with. Be highly selective.
Meditate. This will be the hardest one for me, but I know that learning to observe your thoughts without getting swept away by them is a fucking superpower.
Find freedom in your lack of homeownership. The flexibility you have when you’re not strapped into a mortgage and one location is a blessing.
I know these are fairly cliche and borderline overused strategies, but it’s usually the simplest things that make the big difference.
Loving 30
So far, thirty was the best year of my life by a LONG shot.
I have a much better understanding of who I am, who I want to become, and what I want to do.
*A very privileged and lucky thing to have, I know.
And I’m sure all of that will evolve over time.
This chapter of life might not deliver the same milestones at the exact same time they did for our parents, but I think that makes life a bit more interesting.
There’s more room to define what a meaningful life looks like for ourselves with the right tools.
We just have to be a little more intentional about how we curate it, and maybe give ourselves a bit more grace while we do it.
And hell, if you still feel like acting twenty sometimes? Go for it.
Life’s too short to take it TOO seriously!
📬 Closing Note
If you can get 15-20 minutes in the morning to read a book, do it! Nothing like starting the day by getting the brain firing in the right direction.